Monday, September 06, 2010

So this entry will be a sort of introduction to my next post.  Trust me, my next post NEEDS an introduction.  And for the sake of trying to make this less weighty I threw in some pictures below.  Pictures always help, don't they?  My next post is going to be VERY long.  No really, it is.  At least it's really, really long in my head.  And for that matter most of the post will be rather depressing.  However a happier ending has been made possible due to the perfect timing of a sermon and Sunday School lesson we had yesterday.  If it wasn't for them, I wouldn't even fathom writing my next post, as it would have ended by seeping you all in knee deep depression.  As a matter of fact my post will be on my depression.  At least that is what I am calling it, depression.  I suppose one could get all theological and just call it sin, or lack of faith, or any number of spiritual failings (and they would be correct).  But for simplicity I will call it depression.  I will indeed address the spiritual matters in that post though.

So why the introduction?  Well, first off I wanted to explain why I am writing about my depression.  There are a few reasons.  One being that for a very long time I was either reading about families or was actually surrounded by families that appeared to being near perfect.  There were a few families that seemed to have some of the same struggles that I was having.  But it seemed that I wasn't getting anywhere as to how to fix the problems we were having.  I started to feel that I was just a looser wife, mother and Christian.  I couldn't seem to get out of the never ending circle of failure.  At least that is how I saw it.  And it was a few comments from my sister that made me double think on how I write things on my blog.  Granted no one needs nor wants to read all about the low points of someone.  However, I did not want to come across as having it all together.  Because that is so far from the truth.  But this being a journal of sorts, I wanted to make sure to record the *good* things in life, not all the depressing things.  But I've been battling this depression for a good six months now. and one could reckon it's really been going on for years.  But it's been really bad these past few months.  And for one posts worth I plan on sharing those low points with you all.

So my next entry will take you through some of what has been going on.  Due to obvious privacy reasons I won't be giving detail on a lot of things.  But at the same time just saying "I've been feeling depressed", or "Things have been chaotic around here" really don't give the bigger picture.  So I will try the middle of the road approach.  There will not be blame placed on anyone or anything, just the facts of how I have been 'seeing' things and handling them.

I had wanted to put up a prayer list of "things" (physical things) that I am praying for.  It seems so much easier to say, oh look, the Lord sent us 'x,y,z".  It is concrete.  Much easier than trying to declare that I am no longer fearful, or worried, or depressed.  As those can't as easily be quantified.  But I wanted to give it a try.  Although my post will be rather depressing and dark, it was this light that I saw yesterday that is giving me the confidence to go through with writing this mess all out in words.  I will share those lessons in my next post at the end.  It will be what I will be putting my focus on for the near future.  I can't vouch for how successful I will be.  And that can be a bit scary.  Although the work will be up the the Lord, it does indeed take ME to lean into Him, my prayers, and my willingness to make this all work as well.  I can assure you that me sitting here day after day, week after week, month after month of waiting for God to 'magically' do something in my life is NOT WORKING.  And I knew that from past experience.  But truthfully I have been so depressed that I haven't even wanted to pray.  I don't want the work that all this will entail.  I don't want to learn all the lessons I need to learn to change my ways.  I am tired of living in this state and I want out.  Ah, but God doesn't leave us all alone to ourselves, thankfully.  Although it does seem like it at times.  And by golly I'll be so bold and truthful to say that I might just feel that way *tomorrow*, but right now, here and today I see the hope.  Why did God wait for years to show that hope to me?  Was it my own blindness, my own unwillingness?  It could be all of that and more.  I suppose I will never know. 

So that is my introduction.  I can only pray that the Lord will use this truthfulness to help someone else.  I'm not there yet, but I do hope to get "there".  I really want to be on the other side of all of this.  It reminds me of labor.  I hate being on the side of impending labor, of knowing all the work and pain that is ahead of me. It can be scary, and makes me lie awake at night wondering if I will make it through.  BUT, when it's all over, ahhhhhh, that joy of knowing it is done, it is finished, I made it and the pain was all worth it.  But no matter how many times I have been down this road (with labor) I still get scared before hand.  And that is how I am feeling now, facing this depression.  Will I make it through to the other side?  How much is it going to hurt?

Ok, enough of all the heavy stuff.  Here are some pictures I took the other day.  We are finally having agreeable weather around here for me to want to spend more than five minutes outside.  I even have the windows open this morning.  I think I will try to do without the AC for the rest of the season.  Night time temps are supposed to be just below 70.  That will help to cool things off at night.  I tried editing my pictures with photoshop elements due to the dark nature of my pictures.  It was evening and the sun was behind the trees.  For some odd reason I couldn't get the program to work properly.  It seems to be working this morning, go figure.  I was able to lighten up the pictures with Picnik though.

Here is a shot of our cucumbers in their cages.  Isabella was supposed to put the cages over the tomatoes, which are next to the cucumbers.  Oh well, I suppose they will have to climb up from the outside.  That is if we have enough warm weather left to produce the fruits.

Isabella playing horsey with the boys.  They were having a blast!  And if you look closely enough you can see how nicely Jed's tube site has healed up.  It's the pink mark on his tummy.

Saoirse being Saoirse :-)  She's such a ham for the camera, always wanting me to take pictures of her.

Jonah is still obsessed with holding the chickens, even though they are huge now.  He needed a bit of help with this one as it kept flapping it's wings.  But he does pretty good with catching them on his own! 

Just a random shot of what our well looks like at the moment.  Which is much better looking than a lot of the yard.  I liked the way the sticks were leaning up against the wall.  The following day would have been better to get the shot as there were interesting shadows being made from the sun being out.  Oh well.  I only have my big lens for the camera as my 50 mm is broken!  And that just makes the camera bulky and heavy to carry around.  So I don't take it out as much.  Not to mention the kids kept coming up to me, wanting me to take a picture of something and I had to keep telling them to step back, waaaaayyyyy back as the lens I have is for long distance shots. 

Ok, I think that is enough rambling for the day! 

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