Swimming in the Chaos

I actually picked up my camera today!  It's been months.  It has been a very wet and great past 12 days.  Apparently we broke an 1880-something record, with 12 consecutive days of rain.  Thankfully we've had a couple of breaks of sun here and there, but I was beginning to have waking nightmares of a movie I saw as a preteen.  For some reason this movie seems like a nightmare to me.  Don't remember the name of it.  But the idea was that these people lived either on Earth, or some other planet that had rain 24/7, 364 days a year.  One day a year the rain stops and the sum comes out.  There was a school class that was making all these plans on how they were going to spend their sunny day.  But the day of the sun, one of the students get locked in a closet, missing the only sunny day of the year.  I was so depressed after that movie!  Anywas, day 12 of rain it is.

Here are just a couple of pictures.  Isabella was giving pony rides to the boys.  I didn't get out there in time to take pictures of them riding, but Flannery got everything on video.  Maybe I'll post a short video once Bella uploads it from her camera.

 Aubrey still sporting the riding helmet.  He fell off the pony a few times, but he's our fearless one.

 Merida looked so cute in this sweater with her hood up.  All my other girls hated hats and hoods, but she seems to like it.

 Jonah being a nice big brother helping her with her shoes.  Look how she is holding on to his shoulder.  Aaaww/

Jonah asked me if I would take some pictures of him.  I took three, and in all of them he has a very serious face.  But my golly, he looks so old here!  Where is my seven year old?

And THEN....God....

A big thank you for those who took the time to write me encouragements.  I try to remain open and honest in this space, and as we all know, sometimes life is messy.  But in all that messy, well I have a feeling God was setting us up (in a good way!).  Lest we thought that we could have anything to do with what happened here on Wednesday night.

Jeremiah took the kids to evening church on Wed. night.  When they arrived home I was expecting to hear about all that went on during the night.  I got the usual reports from the boys, but was a bit concerned that Moira rushed off to her room.  She is our talker, and I fully expected to hear about how band practice went.  She is singing for the first time in front of an audience for the Wed. night worship!  She is very excited, and she likes to tell me how her practices have gone.  I was going to go follow her, but Merida was breaking down, and in serious need of some sleep.

The timing was all a God thing, because when I put Merida to bed I nurse her while rocking in the rocking chair.  She fell asleep in 2 minutes because she was so tired.  I had every notion of putting her down right away so that I could go talk with Moira...except that I didn't.  I just couldn't seem to get up.  Kind of a mix a being tired myself, of deep in thought, and such things.  But I kept telling myself that I really should get up to see if Moira was alright.  Soooo glad that I didn't because during that time God was TALKING TO HER!  Really, no joke.

Moira, although she had accepted Jesus years prior, had been struggling with knowing if her name was in the Book of Life.  She knew that growing up in a home (although completely imperfect) that professed Christ, that it was possible that this faith she had was not her own.  So for the past couple of months she had been praying about that.  As she was meditating on the words to one of the songs that she was practicing in church that evening God spoke to her.  She was totally overwhelmed with His Love, and the **heart** knowledge of all that Jesus had done for her!

By the time I did finally make it to her room, she had just been thinking of getting up to talk to me.  She was surprised to see me walk in, as it all seemed surreal of what had happened and the timing of me walking in.  She sat there crying and laughing all at the same time.  She was crying with sadness for not 'seeing' all of this sooner, but laughing because her eyes had been opened.  She can hardly believe the 'new meaning' that the scriptures and some of the worship songs she has sung have now.  She wonders how she did not know all of this before.

Ahhhh, such joy!  She has been so joy filled and peaceful these past few days.  She doesn't want the feeling to end.  She doesn't want the holiness of God that she feels to fade.  To be a babe in Christ!!!  Oh how sweet!

So all of the madness that has gone on around here....all my failures that I wrote about....ha, ha!  Granted I **know** we don't save people, only God can do that, though he does use people to bring others to Himself. But it is only He that calls and draws close.  But with Moira, it was so obvious that is was ALL God, in every way.  To know that He was calling her during one of the most chaotic times in our family is amazing.  To know it was nothing we did, or said, or....just God speaking to her.  So beautiful.

Anyways, I wanted to share this amazing news with everyone.  It has been such an encouragement to me to know that even though I might be walking in a valley, that God is placing my child on the mountain top!  And praising God for it all has changed my perspective....if only because I am now looking up (thank you Lisa!!).

Please rejoice with us!!

 I am sure I should be putting some serious picture up here, but this is so Moira.  She was made for the 'selfie' generation :-)  So was Jonah.  Two peas in a pod.

Moira Grace, may you grow daily spiritually, and may you always seek the face of Christ in all that you do, so that you may become all that He made you to be!  We love you!

Where did I go wrong?

I will start with a positive....I went to see "War Room" last night.  It was an awesome uplifting movie.  Prayer is something that I am really working on.  Still a long ways to go, but improving....slowly.

But today I sit here and am in a ditch (mentally speaking).  The past few days I've felt a bit under the weather....a couple of us are battling small things.  Nothing major, but enough to not feel like getting up and really going.  So it is small things done here and there, which I suppose is better than nothing.  And sitting and meditating can be a good thing as well.

This time thinking, of looking around me and the state of my house....well....  You see a couple of weeks ago, someone I know made a comment to me that has stuck in my head.  One I have been mulling over, trying to refute, and at times feeling that, yes, I really did mess up.  (though to be sure if God is **truly** in charge of all things, then it isn't really a mess up)  I have mentioned only a handful of times that Jeremiah and I have had marriage troubles.  Well, that would kind of be an understatement.  It's really been most of our marriage, minus a couple of years that have been difficult, and trying (to say the very least).  I brought up a very personal issue, one that I have been struggling with for most of my marriage.  Only a couple of people know of it, and I made sure she knew that before telling her.  Of the few people I have told they have one of two reactions.  The first is that they have no idea of how to help me to process my problem.  The other is to just quote the passage of, what the Lord binded together let no man separate (speaking of marriage), and the fact that it is God who puts people together.

But sometimes the truth isn't easy.  And no matter how much someone can tell me that the Lord put us together, that doesn't make the years of issues we have faced any less easier or less painful, nor does it help me for taking on the future.  I really was not telling my friend my issue expecting any answer.  I was only telling her to help her understand my situation better.  What I MOST CERTAINLY DID NOT expect was for what she said next:

Kerri, if that is the case, then why did you have all those kids?

Her reasoning I am sure, is that if our marriage is bad, then we shouldn't have involved anyone else in the problem.  I can see her point, what she was trying to say....BUT, ouch.  I was almost speechless.  I mean, she has marriage problems and has more than the typical 2.1 children, so does that make her situation better?  Her kids are better off?

So I was refuting her statement, in my head of course, that if the Lord is IN CONTROL of ALL things, that His Will will always be accomplished (she would be one of the people who would say that the Lord put Jeremiah and I  together), then can I possibly undo the will of God?  I know that there are those who believe that God is in control, and when it comes to fertility that it is fine to use birth control, since if God wants them to have another child then He can make that happen.  However, the opposite does not seem to be true of that thinking....if I do not take measures to stop a child from being made that God can intervene and make sure that a child does not come about.

I guess what I am saying is....each child was known by God BEFORE they were created.  Merida is not a surprise to God.  Jonah, is not a surprise to God.  Jed, and his medical issues, is not a surprise to God.

But with all of this refuting going on, it has dawned on me the vast number of failures that I have had in my parenting.  Vast people.  Like, I am pretty sure the ONLY scripture that Isabella at the age of 18 has memorized is John 3:16.  That is pretty weak (on my part).

There has been much fighting, chaos and messes here lately, with very little accomplishments to look on.  Big messes.  As in, I can't get our schooling up and running like it should be.  I try to make do with what I have (and I have MUCH), but the time to get things in order doesn't seem to be one of them.  If I am trying to pull together one area, the kids are destroying another.

Anyways, it is time to fight, and fight well.  Fighting in prayer, because it will be an act of God to get this house in order, for peace to be common, for love to be in motion, and for education to take place.  I am seriously the poster mother of "Why Not to Homeschool".  I **know** somewhere in me, that there is much, much more to learn besides ABC's and 123's.  And I would be FINE if my kids were learning such things.  Unfortunately that doesn't seem to be the case. At least not from their actions and their words...which is all I have to go on.

It seems insurmountable the task before me (because it IS).  Constant chaos, screaming, messes, crying, animal havoc, food, food, food, cleaning up ASAP messes but never getting to the very basics, more screaming...by me I am sure, oh look a clean spot on the floor....that lasts 5 minutes, more crying.  There are small snippets of joy here and there.  The boys playing with their baby sister.  The boys playing Legos together.  The girls singing together or crafting together.  But, the percentage of those joyful times, compared to the chaos is very, very, very small indeed.  Please do not think I am exaggerating.  It is small.  And this saddens me like nothing else.  There is too much hatred, selfishness, laziness et. all going on around here.  It is because I have failed.  Failed in the EVERY DAY LITTLE teaching moments.  Failed from not having made Bible reading priority.  Failed to not making prayer a priority.  Failed for not LIVING what I want to pass on to my children.  Because, to be sure, I HAVE passed on what I am living, and it is not pretty.

But, all if NOT lost.  It is good to think things through.  It is good to know where you went wrong, so that you can know where you now need to go.  So today I will choose to do a little thing to go in that direction, praying that God will multiply my efforts.  Praying it is not too late to teach my older children the things of God, before they find themselves unequipped for life.

I know there are 'seasons' of life, but when those seasons produce damaged fruit?  Well, it's time to think that I am missing something.  Something big...or more importantly missing Someone...Jesus.

They say bad things happen in threes

I would like to have a talk with "they".  I am wondering if we could get some award for having had far above three bad things happen in a row?  So far something bad has happened every single day for the past 22 days.  No joke.  Some of the biggies....broken toe....then reinjuring it, broken water heater, broken AC unit...again, another dying goat (thankfully saved), and a whole host of other issues each day.  I was beginning to be fearful of waking up for the next day....what to expect. Not fun.

So as you can imagine things have been quiet here on the blog.  I am about to start a very large organizing campaign...my children are not thrilled, especially since there are severe consequences if the work does not get done.  The problem is that I have been extremely stressed most of the summer.  All of my plans to get things in gear, up and running for the new school year were totally trashed.  I mean, smacked down, dragged through the mud, trampled on trashed.

But I put all of this at the feet of Christ.  Since all of this was adding more stress to my already stressful life.  This is bad for family life.  Bad.  So I am planning on tackling the house, BUT maintaining my time with the Lord, playing with my children and on top of it all starting the Maker's Diet.  Seems a bit much, but the unfortunate thing is that there are some very big health issues going on over here that NEED to be addressed before they get even worse...which would pretty much bring me to an edge of a cliff.

So my life will be filled with lots of food prep and cleaning.  That means lots of babysitting for my girls.  Don't worry, after we get organized they will have a load of free time, but for now, it's time to batten down the hatches!  Life can not keep going this way.  There are most certainly some things we are doing that are adding to the misery, some things out of our control.  I can only deal with the things that I have control over.

This morning found me traveling to Walmart to get a tarp so that our male goats could have shelter from the rain.  Nothing like being prepared. Oy.  I have to say that is one of my very big pet peeves.  Having animals, but not the means to care for them properly.  And I just got word we are expecting more rabbits even though we are beyond maxed out with what we have.  Even if we slaughter some of them (they are meat rabbits), I am doubting we will have enough cages.

I've never wanted to live in a magazine ready home.  But I wouldn't mind living in a half way decently clean house with an outside that I don't have to fear for my children's lives (it's really not that bad, I just like being dramatic).  No, really, I just hate that no matter where you step you know you have some measure of 'poop' on the bottom of your shoe (goat pellets, rabbit pellets, chicken poo, huge horse pellets....and the lovely hidden cat poo here and there).  After getting the house organized, or maybe in the middle of it, we plan on pulling up the living room carpet and painting the sub flooring.  Not the best option, but better than having a disgusting carpet, without the funds for wood flooring.  It is at least cleanable!

Alrighty, I have a very long list of food prep that needs doing **today**.  Wish me luck ;-)

Some Birthday Pictures

Three of the four July birthdays.  Just a quick recap.

 First up, Jedidiah's Minecraft birthday.  Here is his Creeper cake.

The birthday boy, and look at that *nine* candle.  Wow!  How did that happen?

 Flannery was in charge of the birthday party plans.  She did a great job. Here is the Ghast pinata.

 Everyone had a turn, even the big kids :-)

Jedidiah was truly excited with his homemade birthday cards.  He looked them over carefully and really enjoyed them!

 Second up, Jonah's birthday.  The poor boy got short changed on an actual party.  But, that happens.  Here is his "red" TNT cake.  The liquid food coloring doesn't do a very good job of 'red'.  Oh well.

The happy birthday boy.  The poor guy still hasn't gotten a birthday sign!!  How sad is that?!?

 Moira's 16th birthday.  Um, no, Moira is not in this picture.  Oh, well.  There were only 142 pictures or more of all the girls taking turns in big and small groups at the 'photo booth'.  This was a big hit!

 Homemade decorations.  These turned out really nice.  Moira now has them hanging in her bedroom for a permanent decor.

 There's the birthday girl.  Thankfully not all the pictures turned out blurry.  I just can't tell from the small clip, and I'm too lazy to find a better one.

 Moira's birthday sign.  Now I just have to get all the birthday kids photos in front of their signs.

 More homemade birthday decor.

Last, but not least, the birthday cakes.  Yum.

Outside time

Just some cute pictures of our outside time the other day.  Not a lot of time to write words.  So pictures will have to do.

 Merida loves Isabella's new pony, Olaf.  I'm not sure if he is fond of her though!

 Our new chickens, 4 of the 40.

 Country water park :-)

 The boys did this themselves.

 Merida LOVES the swing.  Swing, swing.  She is now fond of doing the "One for the money, two for the show...."

 One of our cat's new kittens.  This one was not happy to be picked up.

 So cute.

 Aubrey's turn.

 Merida's first braids.  This is the first girl, at this young of an age, that will let me do her hair.  It only took 5!  So if you are only on girl number 1 or 2, don't give up :-)

 More kitten and boy cuteness.

 "No, Merida, *smell* the flower, don't eat it!"

 Merida loves helping to feed and water the animals.

Woah! From this angle she looks like she is 3 years old!  Not so fast there little one.

Life is going along

Well, for starters, we are all still alive.  A good thing.

So you know my post where I rant about the verse, 'my people perish for a lack of knowledge'?  Well, a week or so before that I saw an email about a Bible study some women were doing from a past church we had gone to.  It sounded like something I should do.  I asked Moira if she would like to join me.  She said yes, though she asked if we could skip the first one as it was on her birthday.  However the study is only 4 weeks long, so I told her no.

The study is on 'how to study the Bible', and the very first passage that you study in the book?  It contains the verse, 'my people perish for a lack of knowledge'!!!!!  I think God was trying to get my attention!  Moira was bummed that we were going on her birthday, but she told me later that she was very glad we went.  The scriptures really seemed to relate to what our family was going through at the moment (this is coming from Moira).  She was amazed to see the relation between what the scripture says will happen when there is a lack of knowledge (and this knowledge is of God's ways/laws) and the state of our family that relates right to what the scripture says will happen.  Amazing!

I thought I would share that and a few phone pictures of some past events.  They are not the best, but I thought it would be more pleasant to share something positive :-)

 One wee picture of Jed's birthday getting set up. All of the 'real' pictures are on my camera, which I can't download since we don't have a working card reader at the moment.  Jed had a Minecraft themed birthday party, and these were the potions (colored lemonade).

 July 4th started with some red, white and blue pancakes for breakfast.  Jonah freaked out at the sight of them and refused to eat them, saying they would taste horrid.  I had to explain, and re-explain that it was the same as the green colored cake that he ate for Jed's birthday.  The taste was the same, just the colors different.  He finally at them.

 Moira's 16th birthday.  She will be having a birthday party soon, but this was part of her birthday dinner...a day late.  The boys made the cakes, can you tell?  I LOVE the leaning candles!

 Did anyone else 'celebrate' cow appreciation day at Chick-fil-a?  We did!!  If you dressed like a cow you got a free meal.  I thought it was just a simple meal like a chicken sandwich, but it was *any* meal that they had!  Wow!  Here is our youngest calf.

Some of the bigger cows!  Moira had some friends meet her there, so she sat at the 'cool' table :-)  Her friends are great actually!  They were all dressed up.  It was a HUGE, HUGE surprise to see Isabella show up!!  That was the first public place that she has been to in 9 months!!  She had stopped taking her remedies about 10 days prior (due to the stress of losing her job and horse), and the aggravations finally wore off.  Healing was taking place, we just couldn't see much of it due to the aggravations.  Anyways, this is a result of the remedies bringing healing.  She still has a LONG way to go, but that was soooooo encouraging to see!!

The younger cows.  They all had a ton of fun, and really loved the indoor playground as well.  It had been a very long time since we've eaten out.  So this was a real treat.

 Merida was trying to figure out how to use a straw.  She would put the straw in her mouth and tip the cup upside down...hence her wet face and shirt.  She eventually figured it out!  You should have seen her keeping up with her brothers on the indoor playground!!

Jonah getting in the van after our meal.  He looks so much older in this picture!  This is not his usual look, but handsome non-the-less.

That is it for now.  Hopefully one day I will have 'real' birthday pictures, Runner's Camp pics and whatever else is on my camera card!

Things went from Bad to Worse

Ah, that is when one must take notice...if for no other reason than it is hard NOT to notice that life was hard enough, and is now miserable.  Ugh.  But, in the midst of it all we do indeed see God at work.  As for my sinful self that would mean seeing God working in between my moments of name calling (to God).  Yes, pathetically sinful. The day after my last post went something like this:
  7:30 AM: Isabella leaves for work (at the horse barn), but returns a couple of minutes later...with a kitten in her hands.  The kitten looks fine, Bella says she only has a moment, but two things....One, something having to do with money.  Two, this kitten (she holds it up) was up under the car, and as she was driving up our dirt road she saw it fly out from under the car and land on the side of the road.  It couldn't walk with it's back legs.  Flannery and I took turns giving the kitten some remedies for shock and pain.  About 3 hours later the kitten was trying to move around.  By later that evening she was walking around!  Phew. But, boy was that stressful.  Someone was supposed to be coming by that afternoon to take her and another kitten home.  They ended up getting kittens from someone else, so we still have said kittens.

8:30 AM:  Jeremiah tries to play with Merdia and she gets hurt (minimally so).  Her reaction has me wondering if she is getting sick?  Hmmm.

10:30 AM:  Merida gets up on a chair in the dining room and falls backwards, flat on her back/head.  Sigh.

Lots more taking care of kitten and other small things I can not remember right now.

4:00 PM:  Jeremiah and I are walking out the door, literally, when the phone rings and one of the girls calls out that it's "L".  Hmmm, that's odd, she rarely calls, and only when I call her first.  "L" is Bella's horse trainer.  At soon as she starts talking I can tell something is wrong.  She goes on to say that there were things at the barn that went wrong that day and because of that Isabella is fired.  WHOA!!!  Now, there is a TON, TON, TON, TTTTTTTTOOOOOOOONNNNNNN, more that went on in this situation over the next 3 days.  It all boils down to this:  Mistakes had been made, in Bella's contract if that were to happen she loses her horse.  HER HORSE!  The one that saved her life.  And NO I am NOT exaggerating when I say it saved her life.  We do not go out, obviously, and spend all evening with Bella talking and praying.  I am leaving this in God's hands, for Him to bring the truth front and center.  The thing that got me upset was that this wasn't the first time there were mistakes made by Bella.  In the past "L" covered for her.  That isn't the upsetting part.  The upsetting part is that "L" has made plenty of mistakes on her part, that Bella has had to cover for.

6:30 PM:  Jeremiah takes off for a counseling meeting, but comes back two minutes later.  I sigh....this can't be good.  He calls me out of Bella's room, and in private tells me that he found a dead kitten on the side of our road.  Apparently the first kitty that was hurt that morning wasn't alone :-(  She made it, but her brother did not.  And to be fair, he was definitely dead right at the get go....there would have been no saving him should we have found him immediately after the accident.

That was the first day after my last post.  Since then we have had a goat stop eating.  Meds have not helped.  She is eating greens, which is good, but I have a bad feeling about this situation.  I am not sure I can handle a dead goat right now :-(  Our central AC stopped working.  So we are down to just one room that is cool (this little AC unit sometimes can not keep up with all the bodies in there, so we are doing good if the room is at least cool).  This means that little kitchen work is being done.  The heat along with the high humidity is brutal.  We weren't able to attend any fire works this year...ya know, due to the terrorist threats...sigh.  We did get to go to a friends July 4th party where we had a lot of fun, but not without trouble as well.  Though the actual reason for the stopped up toilet was not Jonah's fault, the fact that he flushed it and it over spilled was.  Talk about a mess!  Thankfully our friends take those kinds of things in stride! The baby finally, FINALLY kicked the bladder infection.  But only in time to get the horrid cough that everyone else had.  She is sick, sick, sick.  Poor thing keeps coming up to me and pointing to her eyes, and saying, "Eyes, ouchie."  She is extremely wrestles at night.  Medicine helps some.  But that does not stop her from feeling yuck throughout the day.

On a good note the kids are enjoying Runners Camp.  Though it was made apparent that Jed still needs a 'shadow' (a person devoted to keeping an eye on him).  He 'lost' his team multiple times the first two days!!  Flannery is a volunteer at one of the game stations and yesterday they had more helpers than needed.  She was asked to help elsewhere, and it happened to be on Jed's team!!!  Phew!  He did much better!!!  No getting lost.  Jed is still having auditory processing issues!  That means he needs time to process one command. So if the coach says, "Ok team, after this event we are going to take a bathroom break and head over to the snack station..."  Well, you lost Jed on the "after this event" part.  The other day Jed was standing two feet from the table.  He asked me where I put his bowl of oatmeal (sometimes it is up on the counter, other times it's on the table).  I told him I put it on the table. the table was on his right hand side.  Jed turns to the left, and is about to take a step in that direction when I call out, "Jed, stop....(wait)...your food is on the TABLE....(wait).....(he turns to the table)....the bowl is in my spot on the table...(he looks and sees his food)".  Besides those issues he was still having fun.

Aubrey, who turned 4 at the beginning of the year, is not happy with the fact that he can not attend Runner's Camp.  Not only can he not go this year, but he won't be able to go next year either!  The camp is for 6-12 year olds.  Poor little guy.

It is times like this that make me afraid to wake up the next day!!  I worry about what other major issue will come up.  The Bible says don't worry about tomorrow because today has enough troubles of it's own.  Sad, but true.  But day after day of  troubles gets exhausting.  I worry about Jeremiah taking Flannery and Saoirse to Breyer Fest in Kentucky.  Will they stay safe?  Will they get lost?  It comes to a point that I want everyone to sit in a chair and not move....for the next week.  Ha, ha!  Do you think that would help?

Ok, on to getting some work done, if I can muster it.

When Life is Hard

Before I begin I want to give a little disclaimer.  As a Christian I *know* who is in charge of everything.  I know what the Bible says (obviously not perfectly, but I have a working knowledge).  What I am going to write is how I FEEL right now.  Things are hard and dare I say raw right now.  What I am going to write will be a mixer of whining, fear, despair and other not so 'christian' things to write.  I write this in hopes that one day there may be a happy ending.  Until then, this is how it looks....and don't say I didn't warn you... it's not pretty.  Please KNOW that I am very, very well aware that there are people out in the world who are *truly* suffering.  By comparison what I am going through is a walk in the park.  But, that being said, that doesn't mean what I am going through isn't painful, or chaotic for me.  I do realize that I am blessed. 


I think we can all agree that on the bigger picture front things do not look good.  I am thinking of giving up on reading anything on the internet as it seems we are being assaulted from all sides.  People being persecuted (and I mean REAL persecution, running for their lives), damaging earthquakes and weather, and other horrors.  On the home front we are facing a degradation in our society.  Our Constitutional rights are being taken from us.  Parental rights are being taken away from us.  Our food supply chain is in the hands of the greedy.  Our medical options are being attacked (anyone see the article on 3 alternative doctors dead in FL? Two murdered, the other dead of unknown causes at this time.)  The powers that be are pitting us against each other.  They try to deny the public of actual truth and facts.  What we have read about other 'evil' countries of the past in history class, we are walking in right now.  I am truly afraid of the day that the government *will* take homeschooling away.  I am truly afraid that we *will* be in civil war.  This time it won't be the North versus the South.  It will be the Government versus the citizens.  But I think they will skew things enough that we will be fighting amongst ourselves until we get a clue as to who the real enemy is.

I am grateful for those who are wise, and hopeful.  Hopeful that love and the love of Christ will prevail.  This does not have to be the end of America.  I'm just not sure how many others out there have that same perspective.

As if all of that was not enough.  There is I guess what you could call a civil war in our own home.  I obviously can not go into details, but suffice it to say that it is bad.  Very bad.  I think after 20 years I have just numbed myself.  I have found myself slipping again and again into depression.  These times of depression seem to be coming closer and closer together.  I am tired.  Very, very tired.  And not the kind of tired that I need a nap (though I wouldn't turn one down!).  That tiredness of not wanting to go on.  Deep down to the bones.

I liken it to a house that has a very faulty foundation.  And after a while you are going to get doors that do not shut properly, or windows falling out of their tracks.  There will be holes in the walls, and cracks in the ceiling.  Given enough storms the house is going to start to lean.  And eventually it will fall.  Right now I think our house is falling.  It's not that we didn't know the foundation was faulty.  Heck we 'bought' the house knowing the foundation was faulty.  And all these years we keep fixing those doors and windows, plastering the walls, etc.  But the damage is deep.  As we've 'added' on, more is at stake.  There have been small attempts through the years to fix the foundation.  But each time was short lived and small in it's scope of effect.              

And if that wasn't enough I am wrestling with my faith.  Not as to whether I believe or not.  But kind of 'what's the point'?  I mean if we die and things are supposed to be glorious and perfect afterwards, then why the heck am I even still playing this game?  Again, I realize I am not suffering like others.  It is hard though to think that somehow we in America will be spared from the horrors that others face in the world.  But one can hope.

Then there is this scripture that has me in a tizzy.  The one that says, "my people parish for the lack of knowledge",  My physical body is suffering because of an earlier lack of knowledge.  What I thought was an act of glorifying God (leaving our fertility up to Him) seems to be more of a curse.  Suffering the effects of my lack of knowledge of how to properly sit, stand, give birth, etc.  And now I have the 'privilege' of dealing with some very uncomfortable ailments.  And I think to myself....as wrong as it is....'thanks God'.  I spend a lot of time trying to do the best in caring for my family.  And we are 'blessed' with sickness, sickness, sickness.  I know that when I have been walking closely with God that things 'feel' better, but actually more bad things happen.  It takes a lot of time for that kind of relationship, and it is one riddled with constant, constant battle.  The fellowship was sweet, but at this time in my life I am wondering if I have anything in me to rise to that kind of battle.  I'm done with battling. And of course life is supposed to be one big battle, which brings me back to why, why bother? Get it all over now!  Please note I am not suicidal, these are just my raw and angry thoughts that I dare say I am sinful enough to yell to God. As if I could hide them from Him anyways.

I try to focus on other areas of my life, but it only brings me more depression.  I was reading a post on the wonderful calling of homemaking.  The beauty of it.  How to make a house a home, etc.  And I sigh, and click off the page.  Our house, besides the fact that it is falling (not physically, but spiritually), is physically one big yuck ball.  I can not get on top of getting things organized.  After nine years living here the main living areas are painted, along with one bathroom.  That all happened to be a gift from one of our small groups at a church we were once attending.  As it stands now that paint job needs touching up, and forget the fact that the other rooms still remain unpainted.  I am not one for big time decorations.  I am practical, but even the thrown together furniture from all sources at the cheapest we could get...well I'm not sure I am that practical.  I think back to what I wanted our home to be like (in the physical sense), and it is disappointing that it isn't anything close.  It is supposed to be my job to take care of the home, but that has been robbed.  Robbed by what I believe has been misguided teaching.  God gave me the desire to create.  He gave me the desire for simple beauty.  I actually went to school for Fine Arts.  I wonder why God gave those desires and gifts when I can't actually use them.  It seems silly.  Again, what's the point?

Homeschooling is a joke right now.  We need to catch up on some things.  I have fallen into the trap of just getting by for the past year and a half.  I admit I have given up on trying to keep my children's minds well fed.  They all pine to be entertained, and to be lazy in mind (and dare I say body on many days).  It is always, always a constant, constant battle of keeping the computer usage at bay, the movie time at bay, etc.  I am trying to formulate a plan to have an 'old fashion' summer.  Like actually spending lots of time outside.  Playing physical games.  Being creative.  Reading.  Using our minds.  I know...novel right?  Sad.  Not sure how it will all pan out.  I'm not exactly high on energy right now.  But my children's minds are growing very weak and lazy.  I already know that they will go through withdrawal.  And I am being serious about that.

Life is a mess.  I'm a mess. My family is a mess.  Although God is supposed to be in the business of cleaning....that has yet to happen.  Definitely the fault is on our side....but that doesn't change the mess.  So something HAS to change.  Many things HAVE to change.  And change they will.  Not sure if it will be in the right direction or not, but change has to occur.  Staying in my current state of affairs is just no longer an option.

So, as I wrote in the beginning....I can only pray that there will be a happy ending. I would ask that if you are so led, that you would pray for one too.

New Life

I'm a wee bit late with spring happenings, but no better time than the present.  We were late in ordering our chicks, and we purposely bred Moira's goat late so as not to have a newborn kid coming in February.  So the usual spring happenings, just so happened closer to summer.  Can you believe that tomorrow is the first day of summer?!?!  I am having a hard time wrapping my brain around it!

This past week was busy with Moira and Flannery volunteering at Runner's Camp during the morning, then volunteering for VBS in the evening.  The younger ones, all but Merida, partook of VBS. They had a lot of fun, and fit a ton of stuff into one week!  We went to the 'grand finale' tonight, to see the kids perform their songs that they have been working on all week.  Aubrey's age was up first.  He and a few others just kind of sat there...doing nothing.  The kids were taught hand movements along with the music, and the poor guy just sat there!  Ha, ha.  Jonah was next in line (as far as our kiddos go) and he did a great job.  He was very outgoing about the hand movements, and looked like he was having a lot of fun.  Last up was Jed. I was so proud of him.  He was singing the songs to me while running errands today, so I know that he knew the words.  I saw him singing on stage, and really putting effort into the hand movements.  There was a leader up front doing the hand movements to help the kids out, and you could see when Jed knew the movement by heart, and when he didn't.  It takes a bit for him to process what he sees/hears, and put it into action. But he did a great job, and he really had a great time!

It was weird to just have one little one with me for almost 4 hours each evening all week.  Just the baby and me!  Merida and I would play for a bit, then go out to feed the animals.  I would give her a bath, and then it would be bed time.  It was QUIET in my house.  QUIET.  Odd, very, very odd.

Not much else got accomplished, well, except trying to keep our one cat from eating our chicks.  Sigh.  He got one, thankfully I happened to go out at that moment to check on them.  Since it is so hot here we need to check on all the animals often, but the chicks more so, to make sure they have water at all times, and that no one is over heating.  I walk out and hear a chick chirping in the front yard.  The chicks would find ways to get out of the barn, but they wouldn't go more than 2 or 3 feet from the barn.  I thought, "How strange....I wonder what a chick is doing out so far from the barn."  Um, yeah...I look down from the stairs to see said chick in the mouth of our cat!  I saved her, we had to keep her in the house for two days, but she is doing well and back with her flock.  We patched up all the holes we could see, but they were still managing to get out.  Then we found that even though they are only a couple of weeks old (3 weeks maybe), some were able to manage flying over the divider between the goat area of the barn, where we are keeping them, and the old nesting area.  So we had to put up some fencing to keep them in.  So far so good.  I haven't seen any chicks out since we've put the fencing up.

Here are some pictures of the new-ish things around the homestead:

 Kittens. Five of them.  One we are keeping.  You know, you can never have too many cats!  Cough, cough.  We really need to get our female cats fixed.  We had three, one disappeared (fox maybe?), leaving two to 'fix'.  The other one almost died on us, and I thought that with her bout of paralysis that maybe she was going to be sterile?  Um, no such luck. She is due to have kittens soon.

 Oh my goodness...cuteness!  They have full tummies, and are hanging out on the cool rocks.  We have flirted with 100+ for a few days down here, so all the animals have been trying to find the cools spots.

Three of our 30+ chicks.  I don't remember how many we got.  They didn't have some of the ones we wanted, but shipped out the ones they did have, leaving us with a credit.  We used that up, and then some, since they had a minimal shipping number.  On top of that they always throw one or two more in each order, due to the unfortunate possibility that one or two don't make it during shipping.  This year, all of them survived.  But I didn't keep track of how many we didn't get in our first batch, but the extra one or two they added in for good measure, plus the number of chicks in the second batch.  It is a bit over 30 if I am not mistaken.  One of these days we'll count them.  They move too quickly to try to count them right now.

Not the best picture, but these are the two bucklings that Moira's goat, Mocha, had.  Mocha has been VERY people shy.  So much so that Moira was going to sell her, and the bucklings and use that money to buy another goat.  We know how hard it can be to milk our 'socialized' goats, and she didn't want milking to be an epic battle each and every day.  Two times a day.  For the next 6 months or so.  Not fun. However, motherhood has treated Mocha well, and she has actually been coming up to us!  She wants to be pet, and loved on. At first Moira thought she was sick! I mean this is a goat that would bolt if she even thought you might be heading her way.  So for now it looks like we will keep her and see how the milking season goes.

 Lots of refilling of water buckets going on around here.  LOTS.  For some reason this picture does not convey the 102* temps and the humidity.  That water bucket almost seemed to be steaming it was so hot out.  Each day the girls or I go out to top off or dump and refill the animals water buckets/bottles.  Cat bowl, dog bowl, two 5 gallon goat buckets, two chick waterers, and 5 rabbit water bottles.  The baby really enjoys helping.  I LOVE how she tries to say the names of the animals. Doggy, cheep-cheep, bun-bun (for bunnies, so, so cute!), kitty, go (for goats).

 Our peach tree actually has peaches on it this year.  Last year it got some baby ones on it, and they all dropped off when they were all but an inch wide.  This year there were a few that dropped, and there were many that we plucked off.  But as you can see, we have quite a few 'brewing'.  I am very excited to see how things pan out!

 This one is getting a bit of it's peach color to it.  A beautiful sight.

 It appears that our plum tree is following in the peach tree's footsteps. This year is the first that it has any fruit on it, but all of it has dropped.  Above you can see how tiny they are.  I am hoping that next year we will see an actual harvest.

This is our pitiful almond tree.  We have some trees that are growing like mad, and others...not so much!

 Our big growers.  In the front left is our plum tree, behind that is our peach, and over to the right is our cherry tree.  We have one apple tree that is growing well, but the others are still really small.

 Our hoops have not seen much action this past week.  With all of the camps, and the heat, they have been sitting here on our fence post....beckoning to us.  We only have one room with AC in it.  I have thought about bringing in a hoop to hoop in the AC, but too many bodies are occupying that room :-)

The boys had a crazy hair day at VBS this week.  I used some green and blue food coloring on their bangs.  It was only supposed to be the tips of their bangs, but it kind of spread.  Thankfully it all washed out by day 2.  They thought it was neat though while it lasted.

Time for bed!  I am hoping for a good nights sleep.  The baby has been getting her molars in.  Teething = No Sleep.  No Sleep = No Fun. And when she seems to be having a break in the pain...we had a massive storm come through waking me up, then Aubrey who came in a few hours later needing itch relief from some bug bites, and then a girl....and so forth and so on!  Goodnight!