Thursday, September 03, 2015

Where did I go wrong?

I will start with a positive....I went to see "War Room" last night.  It was an awesome uplifting movie.  Prayer is something that I am really working on.  Still a long ways to go, but improving....slowly.

But today I sit here and am in a ditch (mentally speaking).  The past few days I've felt a bit under the weather....a couple of us are battling small things.  Nothing major, but enough to not feel like getting up and really going.  So it is small things done here and there, which I suppose is better than nothing.  And sitting and meditating can be a good thing as well.

This time thinking, of looking around me and the state of my house....well....  You see a couple of weeks ago, someone I know made a comment to me that has stuck in my head.  One I have been mulling over, trying to refute, and at times feeling that, yes, I really did mess up.  (though to be sure if God is **truly** in charge of all things, then it isn't really a mess up)  I have mentioned only a handful of times that Jeremiah and I have had marriage troubles.  Well, that would kind of be an understatement.  It's really been most of our marriage, minus a couple of years that have been difficult, and trying (to say the very least).  I brought up a very personal issue, one that I have been struggling with for most of my marriage.  Only a couple of people know of it, and I made sure she knew that before telling her.  Of the few people I have told they have one of two reactions.  The first is that they have no idea of how to help me to process my problem.  The other is to just quote the passage of, what the Lord binded together let no man separate (speaking of marriage), and the fact that it is God who puts people together.

But sometimes the truth isn't easy.  And no matter how much someone can tell me that the Lord put us together, that doesn't make the years of issues we have faced any less easier or less painful, nor does it help me for taking on the future.  I really was not telling my friend my issue expecting any answer.  I was only telling her to help her understand my situation better.  What I MOST CERTAINLY DID NOT expect was for what she said next:

Kerri, if that is the case, then why did you have all those kids?

Her reasoning I am sure, is that if our marriage is bad, then we shouldn't have involved anyone else in the problem.  I can see her point, what she was trying to say....BUT, ouch.  I was almost speechless.  I mean, she has marriage problems and has more than the typical 2.1 children, so does that make her situation better?  Her kids are better off?

So I was refuting her statement, in my head of course, that if the Lord is IN CONTROL of ALL things, that His Will will always be accomplished (she would be one of the people who would say that the Lord put Jeremiah and I  together), then can I possibly undo the will of God?  I know that there are those who believe that God is in control, and when it comes to fertility that it is fine to use birth control, since if God wants them to have another child then He can make that happen.  However, the opposite does not seem to be true of that thinking....if I do not take measures to stop a child from being made that God can intervene and make sure that a child does not come about.

I guess what I am saying is....each child was known by God BEFORE they were created.  Merida is not a surprise to God.  Jonah, is not a surprise to God.  Jed, and his medical issues, is not a surprise to God.

But with all of this refuting going on, it has dawned on me the vast number of failures that I have had in my parenting.  Vast people.  Like, I am pretty sure the ONLY scripture that Isabella at the age of 18 has memorized is John 3:16.  That is pretty weak (on my part).

There has been much fighting, chaos and messes here lately, with very little accomplishments to look on.  Big messes.  As in, I can't get our schooling up and running like it should be.  I try to make do with what I have (and I have MUCH), but the time to get things in order doesn't seem to be one of them.  If I am trying to pull together one area, the kids are destroying another.

Anyways, it is time to fight, and fight well.  Fighting in prayer, because it will be an act of God to get this house in order, for peace to be common, for love to be in motion, and for education to take place.  I am seriously the poster mother of "Why Not to Homeschool".  I **know** somewhere in me, that there is much, much more to learn besides ABC's and 123's.  And I would be FINE if my kids were learning such things.  Unfortunately that doesn't seem to be the case. At least not from their actions and their words...which is all I have to go on.

It seems insurmountable the task before me (because it IS).  Constant chaos, screaming, messes, crying, animal havoc, food, food, food, cleaning up ASAP messes but never getting to the very basics, more screaming...by me I am sure, oh look a clean spot on the floor....that lasts 5 minutes, more crying.  There are small snippets of joy here and there.  The boys playing with their baby sister.  The boys playing Legos together.  The girls singing together or crafting together.  But, the percentage of those joyful times, compared to the chaos is very, very, very small indeed.  Please do not think I am exaggerating.  It is small.  And this saddens me like nothing else.  There is too much hatred, selfishness, laziness et. all going on around here.  It is because I have failed.  Failed in the EVERY DAY LITTLE teaching moments.  Failed from not having made Bible reading priority.  Failed to not making prayer a priority.  Failed for not LIVING what I want to pass on to my children.  Because, to be sure, I HAVE passed on what I am living, and it is not pretty.

But, all if NOT lost.  It is good to think things through.  It is good to know where you went wrong, so that you can know where you now need to go.  So today I will choose to do a little thing to go in that direction, praying that God will multiply my efforts.  Praying it is not too late to teach my older children the things of God, before they find themselves unequipped for life.

I know there are 'seasons' of life, but when those seasons produce damaged fruit?  Well, it's time to think that I am missing something.  Something big...or more importantly missing Someone...Jesus.


3 comments:

Sarah Faith said...

It's never too late. And you have so many little ones still. And children appreciate when you are honest with them about how you've failed, and apologize and ask them to help you remember to prioritize the things you say are important to you. I struggle with many of the same weaknesses as you, general lack of energy which makes me put things that should be top priority down at the bottom. I try to fill in the gaps by giving them materials they can use for self study, like the Bible on tape that they listen to at night, or lots of good quality stories about righteous people they can learn from and internalize the lessons. Limiting vapid input (which I don't do very well) is also key so they aren't drowning out the good with noise. I feel for you Kerri and I am glad you aren't completely despairing. God can bring much good out of much chaos, disorder and even evil. Grace abounds, in good situations and in bad. Think of how many good and well adjusted adults there are - and how many perfect parents there are (zero). Keep heart, my friend. <3

Gisele Currah said...

Oh my young lady you are way too hard on yourself!! Getting some sound Godly advice is a must! A school teacher and how to get some order with multiple children. Older children can help with chores and help with the younger ones. Ask a mature Bible reading and obeying Jesus' command woman to help your spiritual journey. Do you think that when you come face to face with Jesus that He will say, "Did you keep your house neat and tidy?" Too funny eh? A solid Christian youth groop for the older ones can be an awesome experience for them in terms of their own spiritual journey. No family benefits from a Mom who is worn out. Make sure to make time for you to go to your closet and shut the door...there you can worship, pray and enjoy a good scream-a-log, it's sometimes healthier than a dialogue! Use this blog and all your family and friends to pray for you and your family. You may entertain the idea of teaching the children to pray for each other :putting names in a hat worked for me! That was so much fun because I only had 2 girls!!. You may try asking women friends to come help you and pray with you in your home. We're all full of good ideas when the problems are not ours. Love is an action word, not wishful thinking described as prayers. Don't forget to breath missy! Ask me about the man who met Jesus in heaven story one day. If you haven't heard it already you just might get a spiritual kick out of it! Don't forget to take time to LAUGH!!!

Latonya Mo said...

Praying with you. It's not too late. As I have learned, God doesn't waste anything. Regardless of what any of your children may walk through, God is in control of those situations too. There are no perfect people. We all suffer, but He uses it all for His will. I will be praying with you for your marriage, strength, children and for God to place some good people to walk beside you. I know there will be pain. It always is when you are trying to be better, but don't get discouraged. Give yourself grace. Be blessed!

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