Thursday, July 02, 2015

When Life is Hard

Before I begin I want to give a little disclaimer.  As a Christian I *know* who is in charge of everything.  I know what the Bible says (obviously not perfectly, but I have a working knowledge).  What I am going to write is how I FEEL right now.  Things are hard and dare I say raw right now.  What I am going to write will be a mixer of whining, fear, despair and other not so 'christian' things to write.  I write this in hopes that one day there may be a happy ending.  Until then, this is how it looks....and don't say I didn't warn you... it's not pretty.  Please KNOW that I am very, very well aware that there are people out in the world who are *truly* suffering.  By comparison what I am going through is a walk in the park.  But, that being said, that doesn't mean what I am going through isn't painful, or chaotic for me.  I do realize that I am blessed. 

I think we can all agree that on the bigger picture front things do not look good.  I am thinking of giving up on reading anything on the internet as it seems we are being assaulted from all sides.  People being persecuted (and I mean REAL persecution, running for their lives), damaging earthquakes and weather, and other horrors.  On the home front we are facing a degradation in our society.  Our Constitutional rights are being taken from us.  Parental rights are being taken away from us.  Our food supply chain is in the hands of the greedy.  Our medical options are being attacked (anyone see the article on 3 alternative doctors dead in FL? Two murdered, the other dead of unknown causes at this time.)  The powers that be are pitting us against each other.  They try to deny the public of actual truth and facts.  What we have read about other 'evil' countries of the past in history class, we are walking in right now.  I am truly afraid of the day that the government *will* take homeschooling away.  I am truly afraid that we *will* be in civil war.  This time it won't be the North versus the South.  It will be the Government versus the citizens.  But I think they will skew things enough that we will be fighting amongst ourselves until we get a clue as to who the real enemy is.

I am grateful for those who are wise, and hopeful.  Hopeful that love and the love of Christ will prevail.  This does not have to be the end of America.  I'm just not sure how many others out there have that same perspective.

As if all of that was not enough.  There is I guess what you could call a civil war in our own home.  I obviously can not go into details, but suffice it to say that it is bad.  Very bad.  I think after 20 years I have just numbed myself.  I have found myself slipping again and again into depression.  These times of depression seem to be coming closer and closer together.  I am tired.  Very, very tired.  And not the kind of tired that I need a nap (though I wouldn't turn one down!).  That tiredness of not wanting to go on.  Deep down to the bones.

I liken it to a house that has a very faulty foundation.  And after a while you are going to get doors that do not shut properly, or windows falling out of their tracks.  There will be holes in the walls, and cracks in the ceiling.  Given enough storms the house is going to start to lean.  And eventually it will fall.  Right now I think our house is falling.  It's not that we didn't know the foundation was faulty.  Heck we 'bought' the house knowing the foundation was faulty.  And all these years we keep fixing those doors and windows, plastering the walls, etc.  But the damage is deep.  As we've 'added' on, more is at stake.  There have been small attempts through the years to fix the foundation.  But each time was short lived and small in it's scope of effect.              

And if that wasn't enough I am wrestling with my faith.  Not as to whether I believe or not.  But kind of 'what's the point'?  I mean if we die and things are supposed to be glorious and perfect afterwards, then why the heck am I even still playing this game?  Again, I realize I am not suffering like others.  It is hard though to think that somehow we in America will be spared from the horrors that others face in the world.  But one can hope.

Then there is this scripture that has me in a tizzy.  The one that says, "my people parish for the lack of knowledge",  My physical body is suffering because of an earlier lack of knowledge.  What I thought was an act of glorifying God (leaving our fertility up to Him) seems to be more of a curse.  Suffering the effects of my lack of knowledge of how to properly sit, stand, give birth, etc.  And now I have the 'privilege' of dealing with some very uncomfortable ailments.  And I think to wrong as it is....'thanks God'.  I spend a lot of time trying to do the best in caring for my family.  And we are 'blessed' with sickness, sickness, sickness.  I know that when I have been walking closely with God that things 'feel' better, but actually more bad things happen.  It takes a lot of time for that kind of relationship, and it is one riddled with constant, constant battle.  The fellowship was sweet, but at this time in my life I am wondering if I have anything in me to rise to that kind of battle.  I'm done with battling. And of course life is supposed to be one big battle, which brings me back to why, why bother? Get it all over now!  Please note I am not suicidal, these are just my raw and angry thoughts that I dare say I am sinful enough to yell to God. As if I could hide them from Him anyways.

I try to focus on other areas of my life, but it only brings me more depression.  I was reading a post on the wonderful calling of homemaking.  The beauty of it.  How to make a house a home, etc.  And I sigh, and click off the page.  Our house, besides the fact that it is falling (not physically, but spiritually), is physically one big yuck ball.  I can not get on top of getting things organized.  After nine years living here the main living areas are painted, along with one bathroom.  That all happened to be a gift from one of our small groups at a church we were once attending.  As it stands now that paint job needs touching up, and forget the fact that the other rooms still remain unpainted.  I am not one for big time decorations.  I am practical, but even the thrown together furniture from all sources at the cheapest we could get...well I'm not sure I am that practical.  I think back to what I wanted our home to be like (in the physical sense), and it is disappointing that it isn't anything close.  It is supposed to be my job to take care of the home, but that has been robbed.  Robbed by what I believe has been misguided teaching.  God gave me the desire to create.  He gave me the desire for simple beauty.  I actually went to school for Fine Arts.  I wonder why God gave those desires and gifts when I can't actually use them.  It seems silly.  Again, what's the point?

Homeschooling is a joke right now.  We need to catch up on some things.  I have fallen into the trap of just getting by for the past year and a half.  I admit I have given up on trying to keep my children's minds well fed.  They all pine to be entertained, and to be lazy in mind (and dare I say body on many days).  It is always, always a constant, constant battle of keeping the computer usage at bay, the movie time at bay, etc.  I am trying to formulate a plan to have an 'old fashion' summer.  Like actually spending lots of time outside.  Playing physical games.  Being creative.  Reading.  Using our minds.  I know...novel right?  Sad.  Not sure how it will all pan out.  I'm not exactly high on energy right now.  But my children's minds are growing very weak and lazy.  I already know that they will go through withdrawal.  And I am being serious about that.

Life is a mess.  I'm a mess. My family is a mess.  Although God is supposed to be in the business of cleaning....that has yet to happen.  Definitely the fault is on our side....but that doesn't change the mess.  So something HAS to change.  Many things HAVE to change.  And change they will.  Not sure if it will be in the right direction or not, but change has to occur.  Staying in my current state of affairs is just no longer an option.

So, as I wrote in the beginning....I can only pray that there will be a happy ending. I would ask that if you are so led, that you would pray for one too.


Unknown said...

Dear Kerri,

You don't know me in the least I stumbled on your blog today in the oddest way and saw this post. I think God must have directed me to read your blog today. I read a little of your blog to see if I was reading you right and I think I understand. I was homeschooled back in the day and am currently a homeschool mom. All I can say is I am praying for you and if you need someone to lean on feel free to send me a note.



Lisa Hellwig said...


I am praying. I have a 2 am appointment with my computer tomorrow morning to write you a note. Pardon me if it takes me a few extra days to get it finished.... you know me, once I get going... ;-)

Love you,

The Southern Peach-Girls said...

Thank you so much for your words. God does amazing things. It reminds me to always listen to that little "nudge" to say, do, etc. Thank you for stopping by. If only to remind me that God has my back :-)


Sarah Faith said...

Kerri my summer has been non stop and I haven't been checking my blog feed. I'm so sorry I missed this. :( I will be praying for you throughout today. I know even if you happen to be feeling more on top of it today you still need the prayers. God bless and keep you.

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