Just a heads up....this is not going to be a pleasant post. I am considering starting a new blog, maybe named "Life With Full Hands-Take Two". Not sure yet. What I am sure of is that something needs to change. A lot of somethings. I had another blog title called "Is He Who He Says He is?". The "he" being God. I have come to a point in my life where there needs to be a major, MAJOR shift in all of my thinking and doing. All of it. Because things are incredibly horrible over here.
I read things like this: How to Raise a Happy Teen
I have the part about letting them talk while I listen figured out. But that is about it. The part about stocking your pantry with a ton of junk food so you will be the most popular house? Um....not so much.
I feel like most of my adult life has been spent looking for the 'secret' to being healthy. I am so sick and tired of being sick and tired. I am fed up with spending my time researching ways to remain healthy and get my energy back. All of it requires huge diet changes, and horribly expensive supplements....and that would be just for me, forget about the rest of the family. It is beyond, BEYOND discouraging to know that I am pathetically weak and susceptible to every scum organism out there. Like having had scabies three times in 4 years. Or still dealing with ringworm, after two failed prescriptions. I am on month 8 now of putting crap over 1/4 of my body to deal with it. I am beyond sick and tired of rubbing this concoction and that product on me multiple times a day...every. single. day for the past 8 months.
Since I don't have any 'named' disease it is hard to get by without feeling like I am the loser mom. Trust me, this affects every aspect of my life. If that wasn't hard enough my marriage is....well, not really a marriage. There has been an issue that we have been dealing with for the last 20 years. It cost Jeremiah his job two years ago, and it has had negative impacts on all of us. Now I am at the point of giving up. He's finally decided he needs help (and yes, we've had years on and off of counseling, but unless you want to be helped, no amount of counseling is going to help. And we can't forget some of the horrible counseling we've had as well, which has made things worse). However, I had reached the point of just being DONE. I am currently trying to focus on healing, but I am over my head, drowning in the chaos that we call family life.
Things are just trash around here. The house in and out is always in a state of mess. Forget the quaint posters about playing with your kids and not worrying about the fingerprints on the walls. This is so beyond fingerprints on walls that it really isn't funny. I took some pictures and I can't even bring myself to share them. The walls, floors, every area of our house is either dirty, messy, neglected, broken, or of course lets not forget the ever wonderful presence of toxic mold. I mean why not pour some salt on an already gaping and bloody wound, right?
My kids. I love them to death. I do. I try to focus on the positives. But right now, it is hard to come by. There are certainly some areas that are growing, or I see the Lord's hand in, but the day in and day out nitty gritty...not so much. My kids are lazy. Getting anyone to do anything around here is as fun as pulling teeth without pain killers. School work? Let's just say that we've had some talks about putting them in school because school is not getting done around here. Chores are hit and miss. I can hear some of you now, you need to whip them into shape, they need responsibility, they need to be trained.....etc. Yup. I know that full well. But all of that takes energy. I can do well for a day or two but that is it. I am wiped out. Or we get things going in the right direction and BAM we are brought down by sickness, sickness, sickness. Because after all that healthy eating we do we are rewarded with SICKNESS. Why, yes, please sign me up for some more. Spend my life in the kitchen, so I don't have time to enjoy life. Or eat crappy and still can't enjoy life because we are sick, sick, sick.
We can never get ahead. We are always behind. Always. We don't have all the school books we need, we are always short on clothing, or some other stuff. The things we do have, like furniture are crappy. There are people who can do second hand and make it work. Me? Things just look crappy. Furniture falling apart, wooden pieces falling off of wooden furniture, no working blinds on our windows and we do not have curtains either. Good thing we live in partial woods. The outside is crappy too. Trash, poop, failure. We spent months with a toilet (not even ours, it was used, how gross is that) on our front porch. Nothing says, "Welcome", like a toilet sitting on your front porch. It has finally been moved...down to the ground. It will probably take many more months before it leaves the premises.
Yup. Failure. That word pretty much sums up my life right now. And I can not take one more day of it. Not another day. I don't have time to myself so I can't even read the Bible and THINK about what I've read. I woke up early this morning. Oh, wow! Maybe I can get some alone time in. Ha, ha!! What a bloody joke. Ten minutes later the sick baby wakes up. So now I have no alone time, and a baby who is sick who woke up two hours earlier than she normally does. Win-win (NOT!!!) This happens any and EVERY time I wake early. I go to the bathroom, put some lights on and BAM, kids wake up. I am falling on my face come evening so I can't have alone time in the evenings.
This is just an overview. Just a skimming if you will. I could write for hours and hours about all the junk going on over here.
But here is the thing....I can't bring myself to put my kids in school, because I had dreams of what I wanted them to learn, how they were going to learn that information, etc. I had a dream of how I wanted to live my life. Living in chaos and grossness wasn't a part of that dream. I had a dream of being married to my best friend who I would work side by side with to raise our family and see the making of our earthly dreams come true (I'm not talking about fame and fortune here). Instead I am married to someone who I planned on divorcing before our first wedding anniversary. Not the idea of bliss by an means. I'm tired of Christianity. NOTE, I am saying I am tired of the organization of Christianity. It seems to have done more harm than good. I am beyond tired of hearing that I am supposed to do this or that to have a better marriage. Those things always made things worse. I am tired of hearing that I'm not supposed to be happy, but I am supposed to be joyful in everything. (I know that is scriptural) But I think to myself that nothing I am doing is bringing glory to God. No one wants to be around our family. The blackness just oozes off of us and no one else wants to 'catch' it. I am tired of always being "That Family".
I am tired of waking up and wondering what horrible thing I will face today. After all the work I do to try to turn things around, to keep us healthy, to keep going...I sit here and worry about our future, will we be in some long waiting line for food in the near future, will we all be blow to smithereens in the near future...and then I think to myself, why do I worry about all of that? It would be a welcome to just be done with this life. There are other people living the way they always wanted, or making it there. I strive for what? More chaos. More heartache. For one more miserable day? I can't do that anymore. I really can't. We are the poster family of why people should NOT become a "Christian". That is the one main reason that I do not witness to others. Because who the heck wants what we have? I know it has to do with your attitude and not your circumstances....but we have crappy attitudes and crappy circumstances. It's pathetic at best.
So I decided it was now or never. I either fall on my knees hard, start praying out loud and speaking TRUTH or be done with it all, cash in if you will. My only stumbling blocks right now are time and my marriage. It's pretty hard to pray to God when you can't be alone for two seconds....and yes, I've heard all about Mrs. Wesley... I need a whole lot more than throwing an apron over my head and pray to save me from where I am right now. And I can't pray for my marriage right now, I can't bring myself to even pray, "Lord heal my marriage". Because I just can't believe for one second that things can get better, and I have NO intention of living like I have for the past 20 years. Not going to happen. Although I know it's not truth, it is still hard to not believe that God seems to enjoy inflicting us with crap. So I somehow need to get past this sticking point, to speak one word of truth.
So maybe I'll make this all into another blog, or just keep this one with a new chapter of sorts. Because if there isn't going to be a new chapter....well, I probably shouldn't go there right now. So is He who He says He is? We shall find out.