Changing.....direction

So my last post was rather raw.  I was able to get away for a few hours on Sunday to pray, think, and write down some ideas.  Funny thing is that Jeremiah thought I was going to the pottery place to finish my pottery piece, but I changed my mind last minute and headed to the 'walking  park' with my Bible, a notebook, and a bunch of colored pens.

It was a great few hours, time well spent.  I seriously have NO time at home to think straight!  The kids are out of control, the house is a wreck, errands that can not be put off, etc.  Anytime  I wake up early, the baby wakes up minutes later.  I am too exhausted to stay up later than the kids, so it is just go, go, go all the live long day.

I got to the park and I prayed and prayed and PRAYED!!!  There is NO way that this ship can change course without the very needed help of the Lord.

Today I got online to look up 'house cleaning' on youtube.  Awesomeness!!  There are two channels that I have taken the time to watch some of their videos, and plan to continue to watch for more inspiration.  Because here is the thing...I was a BORN messy.  Yup, sad but true.  I grew up in a house with an OCD mom who had everything folded one way, all boxes lined up shortest to tallest, etc.  My sister had this crazy idea that you put things away immediately after using it!  :-)  Needless to say, having me as a roommate was probably hard to deal with.

I am sure I can not be the only one out there whose life feels out of control.  So I plan on doing some videos of my own so that you can follow along.  Because the channels that I will link you to are GREAT, but....how does one go about doing a 'night routine' when it would take ALL day just to clean ONE part of the kitchen?  So join me in the near future to see how I turn my house around.  No, it's not turned around yet, so how can I know that it WILL be?  Well for one thing, I believe God, and there really is no way I can continue to live the way we are.

Go and get some of your own inspiration!  Here are two of the channels that I have been watching (I'm sure there are plenty more too!):
Do It On a Dime
How Jen Does It

Here is one of my pages from my park time.  I'll share the rest of them later.

Direction

Just a heads up....this is not going to be a pleasant post.  I am considering starting a new blog, maybe named "Life With Full Hands-Take Two".  Not sure yet.  What I am sure of is that something needs to change.  A lot of somethings.  I had another blog title called "Is He Who He Says He is?".  The "he" being God.  I have come to a point in my life where there needs to be a major, MAJOR shift in all of my thinking and doing.  All of it.  Because things are incredibly horrible over here.

I read things like this: How to Raise a Happy Teen

I have the part about letting them talk while I listen figured out.  But that is about it.  The part about stocking your pantry with a ton of junk food so you will be the most popular house?  Um....not so much.  

I feel like most of my adult life has been spent looking for the 'secret' to being healthy.  I am so sick and tired of being sick and tired.  I am fed up with spending my time researching ways to remain healthy and get my energy back.  All of it requires huge diet changes, and horribly expensive supplements....and that would be just for me, forget about the rest of the family.  It is beyond, BEYOND discouraging to know that I am pathetically weak and susceptible to every scum organism out there. Like having had scabies three times in 4 years.  Or still dealing with ringworm, after two failed prescriptions.  I am on month 8 now of putting crap over 1/4 of my body to deal with it.  I am beyond sick and tired of rubbing this concoction and that product on me multiple times a day...every. single. day for the past 8 months.  

Since I don't have any 'named' disease it is hard to get by without feeling like I am the loser mom.  Trust me, this affects every aspect of my life.  If that wasn't hard enough my marriage is....well, not really a marriage.  There has been an issue that we have been dealing with for the last 20 years.  It cost Jeremiah his job two years ago, and it has had negative impacts on all of us.  Now I am at the point of giving up.  He's finally decided he needs help (and yes, we've had years on and off of counseling, but unless you want to be helped, no amount of counseling is going to help.  And we can't forget some of the horrible counseling we've had as well, which has made things worse). However, I had reached the point of just being DONE.  I am currently trying to focus on healing, but I am over my head, drowning in the chaos that we call family life.  

Things are just trash around here.  The house in and out is always in a state of mess.  Forget the quaint posters about playing with your kids and not worrying about the fingerprints on the walls.  This is so beyond fingerprints on walls that it really isn't funny.  I took some pictures and I can't even bring myself to share them. The walls, floors, every area of our house is either dirty, messy, neglected, broken, or of course lets not forget the ever wonderful presence of toxic mold.  I mean why not pour some salt on an already gaping and bloody wound, right? 

My kids.  I love them to death.  I do.  I try to focus on the positives.  But right now, it is hard to come by.  There are certainly some areas that are growing, or I see the Lord's hand in, but the day in and day out nitty gritty...not so much.  My kids are lazy.  Getting anyone to do anything around here is as fun as pulling teeth without pain killers.  School work?  Let's just say that we've had some talks about putting them in school because school is not getting done around here.  Chores are hit and miss.  I can hear some of  you now, you need to whip them into shape,  they need responsibility, they need to be trained.....etc.  Yup.  I know that full well. But all of that takes energy.  I can do well for a day or two but that is it.  I am wiped out.  Or we get things going in the right direction and BAM we are brought down by sickness, sickness, sickness.  Because after all that healthy eating we do we are rewarded with SICKNESS.  Why, yes, please sign me up for some more.  Spend my life in the kitchen, so I don't have time to enjoy life.  Or eat crappy and still can't enjoy life because we are sick, sick, sick.  

We can never get ahead.  We are always behind.  Always.  We don't have all the school books we need, we are always short on clothing, or some other stuff.  The things we do have, like furniture are crappy.  There are people who can do second hand and make it work.  Me? Things just look crappy.  Furniture falling apart, wooden pieces falling off of wooden furniture, no working blinds on our windows and we do not have curtains either.  Good thing we live in partial woods.  The outside is crappy too.  Trash, poop, failure. We spent months with a toilet (not even ours, it was used, how gross is that) on our front porch.  Nothing says, "Welcome", like a toilet sitting on your front porch.  It has finally been moved...down to the ground.  It will probably take many more months before it leaves the premises.  

Yup.  Failure.  That word pretty much sums up my life right now.  And I can not take one more day of it.  Not another day.  I don't have time to myself so I can't even read the Bible and THINK about what I've read.  I woke up early this morning.  Oh, wow!  Maybe I can get some alone time in.  Ha, ha!! What a bloody joke.  Ten minutes later the sick baby wakes up.  So now I have no alone time, and a baby who is sick who woke up two hours earlier than she normally does.  Win-win (NOT!!!)  This happens any and EVERY time I wake early.  I go to the bathroom, put some lights on and BAM, kids wake up.  I am falling on my face come evening so I can't have alone time in the evenings.

This is just an overview. Just a skimming if  you will.  I could write for hours and hours about all the junk going on over here.  

But here is the thing....I can't bring myself to put my kids in school, because I had dreams of what I wanted them to learn, how they were going to learn that information, etc.  I had a dream of how I wanted to live my life.  Living in chaos and grossness wasn't a part of that dream.  I had a dream of being married to my best friend who I would work side by side with to raise our family and see the making of our earthly dreams come true (I'm not talking about fame and fortune here).  Instead I am married to someone who I planned on divorcing before our first wedding anniversary.  Not the idea of bliss by an means.  I'm tired of Christianity.  NOTE, I am saying I am tired of the organization of Christianity.  It seems to have done more harm than good.  I am beyond tired of hearing that I am supposed to do this or that to have a better marriage.  Those things always made things worse.  I am tired of hearing that I'm not supposed to be happy, but I am supposed to be joyful in everything.  (I know that is scriptural)  But I think to myself that nothing I am doing is bringing glory to God.  No one wants to be around our family.  The blackness just oozes off of us and no one else wants to 'catch' it.  I am tired of always being "That Family".  

I am tired of waking up and wondering what horrible thing I will face today.  After all the work I do to try to turn things around, to keep us healthy, to keep going...I sit here and worry about our future, will we be in some long waiting line for food in the near future, will we all be blow to smithereens in the near future...and then I think to myself, why do I worry about all of that?  It would be a welcome to just be done with this life.  There are other people living the way they always wanted, or making it there.  I strive for what?  More chaos.  More heartache.  For one more miserable day?  I can't do that anymore.  I really can't.  We are the poster family of why people should NOT become a "Christian".  That is the one main reason that I do not witness to others.  Because who the heck wants what we have?  I know it has to do with your attitude and not your circumstances....but we have crappy attitudes and crappy circumstances.  It's pathetic at best.

So I decided it was now or never.  I either fall on my knees hard, start praying out loud and speaking TRUTH or be done with it all, cash in if you will.  My only stumbling blocks right now are time and my marriage.  It's pretty hard to pray to God when you can't be alone for two seconds....and yes, I've heard all about Mrs. Wesley... I need a whole lot more than throwing an apron over my head and pray to save me from where I am right now.  And I can't pray for my marriage right now, I can't bring myself to even pray, "Lord heal my marriage". Because I just can't believe for one second that things can get better, and I have NO intention of living like I have for the past 20 years.  Not going to happen.  Although I know it's not truth, it is still hard to not believe that God seems to enjoy inflicting us with crap.  So I somehow need to get past this sticking point, to speak one word of truth.  

So maybe I'll make this all into another blog, or just keep this one with a new chapter of sorts.  Because if there isn't going to be a new chapter....well, I probably shouldn't go there right now.  So is He who He says He is?  We shall find out.  

Just a few of Merida

Had a few pics of Merida.

 I wanted to get a picture of Merida with her Zou (stuffed zebra), and her lion...with the haircut.  Merida received the lion as a gift from a friend.  Merida loved playing with it's mane.  One day Aubrey decided that the lion needed a haircut :-(  Aubrey had to buy Merida a new stuffed animal!  We tried to get the same lion, but couldn't find it.  Instead he got a pink/black/white kitty cat (not pictured.  We were going to buy a 'real' Zou stuffed animal for Merida (Zou is a cartoon zebra that she loves, loves, LOVES to watch), but found this zebra at the dollar store for $1!!!  Score!  She calls this one Zou, regardless of the fact that it doesn't look like the real Zou at all (I think she must think all zebras are named Zou, except if they are dressed like the other characters in the Zou show).

 Aubrey's new birthday present, a red wagon.  A cool red wagon if I do say so.  Merida taking a spin in it!

Merida putting some marker lipstick on.  She thinks she is a big girl like her big sisters :-)  Too funny!

Valentine's Day

We had two celebrations for Valentine's day.  The first was for the littles at our homeschool Valentine's party. They really looked forward to this as they clearly remember how  much fun it was last year.  Then the older one's had a party here at our house for they and their friends.  All I have to say is all these kids, who used to be like 10 years old and shorter than me are now 18 and taller than me, made me feel like I missed a few years of life :-)  Woah!    Here are pictures of the littles at their party:

 First stop was the craft room. Jedidiah's whole purpose for being at this party was for the candy!  Oy.  He whipped through everything as quickly as he could so he could eat sugar.  I wish I could say that it was funny, but it was not. I was about to send him to the van till the party was over, except I couldn't as the girls were volunteering in the game room.  Jonah on the other hand was very careful and thorough in his crafting.  He took his time with everything he did.

 Merida was so content to do the heart craft with her brothers.  She seriously spent about 20 minutes or more working on her heart! Pretty impressive for a 2 year old.

 Aubrey working on his heart.  He did a great job, and had fun.

 For some reason he found getting out of his chair a challenge. He had to wait till Merida moved out of the way.

 Merida making the funniest faces at the other kids.

 Aubrey's heart up close.

 You can see that Jonah took his time to fill his heart in.

 Off to the next craft of weaving yarn around heart shaped vines.  Both Jonah and Aubrey gave it a go.  Jed did as well, but he got frustrated by the yarn slipping off.  For some reason wrapping the yarn around the vine to keep it in place was totally unacceptable to him.

 Aubrey working on his vine heart.

 The station all the kids were waiting for.....decorate your own cupcake!

 Jed was so desperate for sugar that he just threw on some toppings and called it good.  I think a sugar detox is in order for him!!!!

 Aubrey showing off his cupcake.

 I think Aubrey went back to put on a few more additions, but this was how it looked until he changed his mind on needing more toppings :-)

 Merida went topping free.  After she ate half of her cupcake, and seeing how cool her brothers' cupcakes looked she insisted on some toppings of her own.  I went and grabbed a few to throw on her last couple of bites.

 Jonah spent a lot of time making up his cupcake creation (at least in comparison to the others).

Yummo!

Chillin.  After this they played a few rounds of Bingo.  By then it was time to grab our Valentine boxes and go.  The girls had a lot of fun with their game station.  Once again it was very popular and they continually had more kids then they had spaces for!

 On Valentine's day itself the big kids had a party here at our house.  They set up in Bella's room, as the plan was to watch a movie in there for part of the party.  Which, never happened!  Oh well.  I assure you all the food was still consumed :-)

 Little boys knew where the good stuff was :-)

 Party supplies.  For some reason people did not seem to know that they were there, and I had a dishwasher full of glass jars.  Go figure.

 The girls spent a bunch of time decorating cupcakes.

Flowers and cards.  The flowers were from Jeremiah.  There are 5 white roses and one red (for the 5 girls and I).  The cards are from the boys and girls.  Sweetness!

winter

For the first time in about two years I have been on a crochet spree :-)  This is a good thing.  After not crocheting for over a year solid, I have been making things left and right.  I've made two scarves, about 4 hats, two small sweater/vests for Merida (LOVE this pattern...though you have to watch the video and take notes to get the actual pattern, or you could follow along.  It is a quick project), and a family of birds (which still need to be put together).  I have been trying to take pictures of the things that I have made, but I've had some issues with my camera, and then the memory card.  So for now, I just have a picture of one of the hats.  I made these things with the anticipation of it being **winter**, which we did have for about 3 days!!

A rainbow hat for Merida.

I tried to 'blend' the colors, and I'm not sure it turned out as I had envisioned it, but it is pretty non the less.

This was decidedly NOT a *winter* day, though this was taken last week.  And clearly we have some learning in the matching clothes department ahead of us :-)  But as you will see below, he's not the only one with this needed skill.

Aubrey was standing in the hole that they made.  I suppose we can use these holes as a security system...you know, a robber comes through, falls in one of the holes and breaks his leg.  Effective, I would say.

The baby swing is broken, so Merida likes to try out the big kid swing.

Aubrey and Merida checking things out in the woods.  The cat followed them everywhere they went.

The cat checking out Merida's finds.

Jonah was busy trying to throw a chain up in the tree.  We have a piece of chain that was used for the swings, and Jonah in particular is obsessed with it!  Which is dangerous as he likes to swing it around.  Oy.

This was Merida's choice of clothing on one particular chilly day.  Layers, and well...look at that combo :-)  Though when you are two, you can pretty much get away with such things.

Merida wearing her new hat.  It is a bit large on her, but it kept her warm (it was actually cold out, you know like 44*).

Look at those cheeks!

She had gotten an 'ouchie' and was trying to show it to me (it was one of those invisible ouchies).  It was time to come in as we were all getting chilled.