And THEN....God....

A big thank you for those who took the time to write me encouragements.  I try to remain open and honest in this space, and as we all know, sometimes life is messy.  But in all that messy, well I have a feeling God was setting us up (in a good way!).  Lest we thought that we could have anything to do with what happened here on Wednesday night.

Jeremiah took the kids to evening church on Wed. night.  When they arrived home I was expecting to hear about all that went on during the night.  I got the usual reports from the boys, but was a bit concerned that Moira rushed off to her room.  She is our talker, and I fully expected to hear about how band practice went.  She is singing for the first time in front of an audience for the Wed. night worship!  She is very excited, and she likes to tell me how her practices have gone.  I was going to go follow her, but Merida was breaking down, and in serious need of some sleep.

The timing was all a God thing, because when I put Merida to bed I nurse her while rocking in the rocking chair.  She fell asleep in 2 minutes because she was so tired.  I had every notion of putting her down right away so that I could go talk with Moira...except that I didn't.  I just couldn't seem to get up.  Kind of a mix a being tired myself, of deep in thought, and such things.  But I kept telling myself that I really should get up to see if Moira was alright.  Soooo glad that I didn't because during that time God was TALKING TO HER!  Really, no joke.

Moira, although she had accepted Jesus years prior, had been struggling with knowing if her name was in the Book of Life.  She knew that growing up in a home (although completely imperfect) that professed Christ, that it was possible that this faith she had was not her own.  So for the past couple of months she had been praying about that.  As she was meditating on the words to one of the songs that she was practicing in church that evening God spoke to her.  She was totally overwhelmed with His Love, and the **heart** knowledge of all that Jesus had done for her!

By the time I did finally make it to her room, she had just been thinking of getting up to talk to me.  She was surprised to see me walk in, as it all seemed surreal of what had happened and the timing of me walking in.  She sat there crying and laughing all at the same time.  She was crying with sadness for not 'seeing' all of this sooner, but laughing because her eyes had been opened.  She can hardly believe the 'new meaning' that the scriptures and some of the worship songs she has sung have now.  She wonders how she did not know all of this before.

Ahhhh, such joy!  She has been so joy filled and peaceful these past few days.  She doesn't want the feeling to end.  She doesn't want the holiness of God that she feels to fade.  To be a babe in Christ!!!  Oh how sweet!

So all of the madness that has gone on around here....all my failures that I wrote about....ha, ha!  Granted I **know** we don't save people, only God can do that, though he does use people to bring others to Himself. But it is only He that calls and draws close.  But with Moira, it was so obvious that is was ALL God, in every way.  To know that He was calling her during one of the most chaotic times in our family is amazing.  To know it was nothing we did, or said, or....just God speaking to her.  So beautiful.

Anyways, I wanted to share this amazing news with everyone.  It has been such an encouragement to me to know that even though I might be walking in a valley, that God is placing my child on the mountain top!  And praising God for it all has changed my perspective....if only because I am now looking up (thank you Lisa!!).

Please rejoice with us!!

 I am sure I should be putting some serious picture up here, but this is so Moira.  She was made for the 'selfie' generation :-)  So was Jonah.  Two peas in a pod.

Moira Grace, may you grow daily spiritually, and may you always seek the face of Christ in all that you do, so that you may become all that He made you to be!  We love you!

Where did I go wrong?

I will start with a positive....I went to see "War Room" last night.  It was an awesome uplifting movie.  Prayer is something that I am really working on.  Still a long ways to go, but improving....slowly.

But today I sit here and am in a ditch (mentally speaking).  The past few days I've felt a bit under the weather....a couple of us are battling small things.  Nothing major, but enough to not feel like getting up and really going.  So it is small things done here and there, which I suppose is better than nothing.  And sitting and meditating can be a good thing as well.

This time thinking, of looking around me and the state of my house....well....  You see a couple of weeks ago, someone I know made a comment to me that has stuck in my head.  One I have been mulling over, trying to refute, and at times feeling that, yes, I really did mess up.  (though to be sure if God is **truly** in charge of all things, then it isn't really a mess up)  I have mentioned only a handful of times that Jeremiah and I have had marriage troubles.  Well, that would kind of be an understatement.  It's really been most of our marriage, minus a couple of years that have been difficult, and trying (to say the very least).  I brought up a very personal issue, one that I have been struggling with for most of my marriage.  Only a couple of people know of it, and I made sure she knew that before telling her.  Of the few people I have told they have one of two reactions.  The first is that they have no idea of how to help me to process my problem.  The other is to just quote the passage of, what the Lord binded together let no man separate (speaking of marriage), and the fact that it is God who puts people together.

But sometimes the truth isn't easy.  And no matter how much someone can tell me that the Lord put us together, that doesn't make the years of issues we have faced any less easier or less painful, nor does it help me for taking on the future.  I really was not telling my friend my issue expecting any answer.  I was only telling her to help her understand my situation better.  What I MOST CERTAINLY DID NOT expect was for what she said next:

Kerri, if that is the case, then why did you have all those kids?

Her reasoning I am sure, is that if our marriage is bad, then we shouldn't have involved anyone else in the problem.  I can see her point, what she was trying to say....BUT, ouch.  I was almost speechless.  I mean, she has marriage problems and has more than the typical 2.1 children, so does that make her situation better?  Her kids are better off?

So I was refuting her statement, in my head of course, that if the Lord is IN CONTROL of ALL things, that His Will will always be accomplished (she would be one of the people who would say that the Lord put Jeremiah and I  together), then can I possibly undo the will of God?  I know that there are those who believe that God is in control, and when it comes to fertility that it is fine to use birth control, since if God wants them to have another child then He can make that happen.  However, the opposite does not seem to be true of that thinking....if I do not take measures to stop a child from being made that God can intervene and make sure that a child does not come about.

I guess what I am saying is....each child was known by God BEFORE they were created.  Merida is not a surprise to God.  Jonah, is not a surprise to God.  Jed, and his medical issues, is not a surprise to God.

But with all of this refuting going on, it has dawned on me the vast number of failures that I have had in my parenting.  Vast people.  Like, I am pretty sure the ONLY scripture that Isabella at the age of 18 has memorized is John 3:16.  That is pretty weak (on my part).

There has been much fighting, chaos and messes here lately, with very little accomplishments to look on.  Big messes.  As in, I can't get our schooling up and running like it should be.  I try to make do with what I have (and I have MUCH), but the time to get things in order doesn't seem to be one of them.  If I am trying to pull together one area, the kids are destroying another.

Anyways, it is time to fight, and fight well.  Fighting in prayer, because it will be an act of God to get this house in order, for peace to be common, for love to be in motion, and for education to take place.  I am seriously the poster mother of "Why Not to Homeschool".  I **know** somewhere in me, that there is much, much more to learn besides ABC's and 123's.  And I would be FINE if my kids were learning such things.  Unfortunately that doesn't seem to be the case. At least not from their actions and their words...which is all I have to go on.

It seems insurmountable the task before me (because it IS).  Constant chaos, screaming, messes, crying, animal havoc, food, food, food, cleaning up ASAP messes but never getting to the very basics, more screaming...by me I am sure, oh look a clean spot on the floor....that lasts 5 minutes, more crying.  There are small snippets of joy here and there.  The boys playing with their baby sister.  The boys playing Legos together.  The girls singing together or crafting together.  But, the percentage of those joyful times, compared to the chaos is very, very, very small indeed.  Please do not think I am exaggerating.  It is small.  And this saddens me like nothing else.  There is too much hatred, selfishness, laziness et. all going on around here.  It is because I have failed.  Failed in the EVERY DAY LITTLE teaching moments.  Failed from not having made Bible reading priority.  Failed to not making prayer a priority.  Failed for not LIVING what I want to pass on to my children.  Because, to be sure, I HAVE passed on what I am living, and it is not pretty.

But, all if NOT lost.  It is good to think things through.  It is good to know where you went wrong, so that you can know where you now need to go.  So today I will choose to do a little thing to go in that direction, praying that God will multiply my efforts.  Praying it is not too late to teach my older children the things of God, before they find themselves unequipped for life.

I know there are 'seasons' of life, but when those seasons produce damaged fruit?  Well, it's time to think that I am missing something.  Something big...or more importantly missing Someone...Jesus.